Taking down story sorry
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
I'm glad you like the last line...that's Cyan for you.
I'm going to post chapter four...go check it out.
I noticed that you misuse the word "where" when you actually mean "were."
"We were never supposed to go there."
"Where is the remote?"
See the difference?
First line after "Chapter 1": "My bed shook, if I lived in California still I would have yelled earthquake at the top of my lungs."
You might want to edit this and add a period after shook. Also, "screamed" might be a stronger and less wordy alternative to "yelled at the top of my lungs."
I like your description of the ritualistic putting on of the eyeliner. That was a pretty neat character-building scene. *is jealous of eyeliner*
Yeah, Billy pointed out most of the typos that I was going to point out, so I won't now...
My one thing is when she is writing on the whiteboard. It seems to me that she, as a character, would write a little less. They would be one word answers or something. Maybe I am wrong, but because she doesn't say much, it would kind of follow that her writing would be equally concise. That is, unless she is a writer-type person who is quiet, but who writes to relieve pain or something. I don't know her character as well as you do (obviously, since you wrote her) but brevity in all things was the impression I picked up from her.
I like the last line of the chapter, where she sums everything up. "No one, and I mean no one, could ever see my back." Bam! Really like it. Sums up the character really quickly.
Anyway, I like this. Great job with it. *scampers off to chapter 2*
This is a pretty good story. Nice and interesting. You might want to bump up the rating just a smidge if there are any more potty words.
Thanks you guys for taking the time to read. I know it's sort of long!
But I felt it would mess up the flow to break up the Chapter into smaller bits.
Chapter Two is posted, you should check out. Chapter three, isn't posted yet. I'm out of town so I can't post chapter three yet, but I'll try to get it up soon.
Thanks for all the editing Billy. I'm really bad at catching my own mistakes, so it's really helpful when you guys point it out to me. I really appreciate a lot.
kimberykat, thanks for taking the time to look over my work, and welcome to YWS!
Amazing amazing chapter there! keep up the good work!
I like where this is going, I'll look forward to reading chapter two. Just a couple of mistakes in here though, I think they're mostly typos.
This should be Series M-9 were never meant to be fighters.
Should be supposed.
You've forgotten to add in were here.
The only thing they could do.
The M-9 children were young then.
You've changed from third person to first person here. You shouldn't change points of view unless there's clearly a change in character.
You only need to use a full-stop here. Also, instead of using off of the floor you should use off the floor. It's just more correct.
I just wasn't sure what was going on here - why did she put on two shirts?
You've changed from past to present tense here. It should be but didn't turn the music off.
This should probably be I just had to make it until I was eighteen.
The dash is unnecessary here.
I think this should be said lab liked to screw with the DNA.
Should be never.
Again, the dash is unnecessary.
It has all been downhill from there
You need a comma in here: Jenni said, smiling broadly.
Again, you need a comma in here: I shook my head, no.
they were all following me.
You don't need a comma here.
Just the same thing here as last time.
It should be Shane, who is sixteen like you, and Duke, who is fifteen.
You don't need a comma here.
Unexpanded isn't a word - try diminished instead.
Don't start your sentences with dashes.
You need a comma between 'said' and 'glancing'.
'It's' always means 'it is'. When you want something to belong to it, you say 'its'.
Same as before.
You need a comma between 'said' and 'elbowing'.
You need a comma after because, because you're continuing her sentence later on.
You don't need a comma here.
You need a comma between 'he said' and what he actually said.
I'm sure that's meant to be Owen.
Take out hand phones.
It was a good story though, you just need to watch the typos.
For Chapter Two:
post281693.html#281693
Thanks!
I"m going to post Chapter Two after this,
now that the first of our two part Christmas is over.
And I can sit and vegetate for a while, and write and such.
LP
Wow! Ems, this is really good. It was worth the waiting. anyways, i can find anything wrong with it, i will re-read it later to see if i can find any mistakes.
I found one:
“She didn’t say anything.” Sabe said, “I think you need to see a doctor. Maybe you should go and talk to your father.”
make sure you re-read all of your stuff for little bit bits like this.